The Broken Angel
by TheEphemeralDream
Summary: Lin and Jem grew up together in the Shanghai Institute as best friends. It's been 5 years since Jem left to come to London, and Lin visits him for the first time, accompanying her parents. Lin is ecstatic to see the man she loves, but doesn't know what sort of future they'll have together. But Lin doesn't know that Jem is engaged to Tessa... A Jem oneshot!


"She doesn't love you, Jem," she says. "She loves Will. You're nothing more than a friend to her."

::[Previously]::

She hated London the moment she stepped off the docks.

It had been a terrible trip, owing mostly to her seasickness. And it hadn't helped that some dirty _guilao*_ had been eyeing her as she clutched the handrails for dear life. It wasn't as if she was afraid of them – she could have fought off every single one of them, or even just used a simple glamour, but she needed to have her full strength. Because on that ship, there had been demons and Downworlders everywhere. She had to be cautious, in case any of them realized she wasn't a Mundane. She was an adept Shadowhunter, making up for the strength she lacked by speed and cunning. She and her brother were parabatai who were two of the most sought-after Shadowhunters in Shanghai. When called upon, their skill almost ensured a one hundred percent success rate. But now, she had to hide her identity with the long sleeves of her _qipao_* and modern knee-high black boots. She scowled.

No, those men only added to her disgust towards the wretched country. How Jem could have survived here for years was unfathomable to her.

_Jem_. She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

Perhaps it was better for him here than back in Shanghai, where memories hit much too close to the heart. Her brow softened for a moment with thoughts of him, but her scowl returned when a man pressed too close to her, leering. She had tried to push through the crowd at the docks, but it was impossible. She was tiny compared to these massive Londoners, and even the women who were but a few inches taller than her wore massive umbrellas of skirts. And the stench was unbelievable. She had thought the smell on the poorer streets of Shanghai the worst imaginable, but London's car exhaust, rotting garbage, sickly-sweet women's perfume, all mixed with the overpowering stench of the sea made her feel like throwing up the little bit of food she had managed to eat on the ship.

She gritted her teeth.

She had been alone on this trip because her parents and aunt had had to arrive in advance for a conference. Her brother hadn't come, because he had just gotten married to the girl of his dreams. She was merely here for a "vacation", but really, she was here in case they needed backup about the secret approaching threat. Which, of course, she hadn't been briefed about.

"Lin? Lin!"

She turned to the source of the voice, and saw her mother. _Finally_.

"Are you okay? Did your seasickness act up again?" her mother fretted in rapid Shanghainese.

"I'm _fine_," she replied in Mandarin sharply. She had grown up in Shanghai, but the increasing number of people who spoke only Mandarin had influenced what parents taught their children, and though she understood the dialect, she couldn't speak it. So she learned only Mandarin, and was taught English at a young age.

She just wanted to get out of this wretched place.

::~::

Tessa smiled at Jem as he reached for her hand.

They, along with a sour-tempered Will, Charlotte, and Henry were waiting just outside the Institute for the arrival of Mrs. Yue's daughter, Lin. It had been a month since the Clave had removed Jessamine and brought her to Idris in hopes of a full recovery to a determined and loyal Shadowhunter.

"They should be here any moment now," Charlotte said nervously, pulling out her pocketwatch for the umpteenth time.

"I knew it," Will drawled. "These tiny little Chinese can't survive in London."

Tessa glanced at Jem, who merely smiled. Jem was always unfazed by Will's comments, even if they were rude and uncalled for.

"Don't worry, honey," Henry said. "I'm sure they're just stuck in traffic or something. They might be another while longer – maybe I can fix up that little glitch with the Sensor and –"

Henry fell silent suddenly. Tessa didn't have to look to know that Charlotte had shot her husband a glare.

Tessa couldn't really understand why Charlotte was so nervous about this. Mrs. Yue and her husband had already been here for a week, and they had been completely satisfied with their surroundings. They showed extra affection towards Jem, but also tried their best to get to know the Tessa and Will, though the latter didn't return the favour. They were the perfect guests.

Now with most of the meetings over, Mrs. Yue's husband had gone off to meet some friends of his around London.

"Is that them?" Tessa asked as she saw a carriage pull up in front of the gates.

It was them. Mrs. Yue came out of the carriage first, and then her daughter. Jem's hand suddenly tightened, just a little bit as he strained to see.

_I grew up with Lin. She was my best friend. _

Tessa shook her head. No, of course Jem would only consider her a friend. They were _engaged_, for God's sake. She shouldn't be having these doubts.

Lin was slender and slight, just like her mother, but despite her age she carried herself exceptionally gracefully. Jem had told her that Lin was from the upper echelons of society in Shanghai, whereas his family had been poor. Yet Lin's parents had taken him in while his parents went on dangerous quests, and he had grown up almost entirely at the Institute. Lin certainly looked the noblewoman. She was wearing a red traditional Chinese dress, finely embroidered with white blossoms, Tessa noticed as the Chinese girl drew closer. Her eyes were dark caramel, and framed with dark eyelashes. Her nose was petite, and her lips were generous. Her dark hair tumbled over her shoulders carelessly and yet like a cascading waterfall, it shone, reflecting the dull rays of London sunshine.

"This is my daughter, Lin," Mrs. Yue said, with a note of pride in her voice. The girl gave a small curtsey. "Lin, this is Mrs. and Mr. Branwell, and Will and Tessa."

"And Jem," Lin said softly as her eyes fell upon him, and suddenly she threw her arms around Jem, hugging him tightly. Lin must have been even shorter than Tessa, because she had to stand on tiptoes to rest her head on Jem's shoulder.

Tessa hadn't realized it, but Jem had let her hand go some time ago.

::~::

"You can't possibly fathom how much I've missed you," she said in Mandarin as they walked into the Institute. She was hardly paying attention to her surroundings, ignoring a cat that stopped in her path, purring. She barely noticed when the others bid them goodbye and parted ways. She didn't care when her mother's eyes darkened as she walked away with him without a single explanation.

Because this was _Jem_, who she hadn't seen for six years, her best friend and the only person outside her family she could say she truly loved. He had changed so much, a result of the drug, no doubt. His hair was silver, his eyes gray. He was thin, much too thin to be considered healthy, and she could smell a whiff of a sickly-sweet scent as she hugged him. He must have taken an ample amount of the drug just before meeting her to ensure his strength was up. Her smile fell just a little bit – didn't he know that she, of all people, understood and accepted him no matter what?

She had never given up on him. Every afternoon she was free, she would go to even the most wayward and questionable medicine shops in Shanghai, searching for a cure to the drug. But she'd never found it.

"I missed you a lot too, Lin," he replied back in Mandarin, and she detected a slight tremor of happiness in his voice. "I missed you every day." She couldn't fight the sudden urge to smile again, and she threw her arms around him for the second time, but this time, she was more gentle. He had felt terrifyingly frail.

_Oh Jem. I'm so glad you're okay. I feared your passing every day. _

"Do you still play violin?" she asked, switching to English, somewhat giddily as he pushed open the door to his room. His room was neat, with only a few possessions on the tables and a desk across from the bed. Seeing his battered and open violin case on the floor, the only thing that seemed out of place, she corrected herself, "Of course you do. What a stupid question to ask." When she noticed the familiar little heart pendant glinting from inside the case, she smiled and brought a hand up to brush the matching one at her throat. It was something she'd sent him, tucked away in a letter nearly three years ago now. One of the few letters they exchanged.

Jem laughed. "Let me play something for you," he said, following her lead and speaking English as well. She nodded eagerly, sitting down on his bed.

He propped the violin up onto his shoulder and tightened the bow. As the melody began, she gasped in recognition.

There was no doubt that he had improved in the last few years, but the beauty and majesty of his playing was something Lin didn't expect at first. The music spoke of love and sorrow, of bittersweet memories and ephemeral happiness; there were trilling birdcalls and light staccato leaps, all played with the lightest of touches and the most beautiful fingers. She felt her heart contract as the melody soared; she watched as Jem's eyes closed and he fell into the arms of the music, beautiful …

When he finished, she didn't clap. It would not be appropriate for such a beautiful and soulful performance.

"You built on _that_ melody, didn't you?" she said in a hushed voice, ignoring the tears that had leaked from her eyes.

He nodded, silver-gray eyes intent on hers. "When I first came here, this," he tapped his violin lightly, "and the memory of you were the only two things that gave me happiness. So I brought them together." He smiled shyly. "I hope you don't mind that I used the melody you made up."

She laughed, a half-choked little chuckle. "It's so beautiful I can't … I can't even speak," she said with another half-laugh as the lump in her throat expanded. "Thank you," she whispered when she was able to speak again. "Thank you so much."

There was a tender moment then as she gazed into his eyes, but he looked away suddenly, and she thought she might have seen a glimpse of guilt as he placed the violin back in the case. She was surprised, but maybe she making too much out of nothing.

"I didn't know what to bring you from China," she said as he closed the case and pushed it under the bed. He sat down beside her, but left a few inches of space between them. "There was an assortment of weapons I was looking at, but none of them seemed like they would fit you. By the way, I hope the cane is still functional," she said anxiously.

"It's one of the only weapons I use, up to this day," he replied softly. "Thank you for it."

"Don't thank me, Jem. It was the least I could do when …" she hesitated.

"When my parents were killed," he finished evenly. "It's all right, Lin. You're one of the only people who went through it all with me. If I can't talk about it to you, who can?"

Her lips thinned in worry. "I didn't know what to get you," she said, "so I just brought you some _oolong_ tea. I know you used to like it."

She pressed a black drawstring pouch into his hands. There were two golden dragons embroidered in the fabric. "I have more in my suitcase," she said, "but it's in a big, ugly metal can, so I'll give it to you later."

He looked delighted, and opened the pouch slightly and inhaled the scent. "Like it? I love it, and it's so difficult to get decent Chinese tea around here … thank you so much, Lin."

She just smiled again.

"I'm so happy to see you, Jem. You're so much taller than you used to be!" she exclaimed suddenly. She didn't mention how much frailer.

"You haven't grown much taller," he grinned cheekily. But then he became more somber. "But you've become so beautiful. When did little Lin become this beautiful woman?"

She blushed under his scrutiny. "I'm just the same as ever. And don't call me 'little Lin!'" she pretended to snap, feigning anger. They laughed together. It had always been a pet name he'd had for her, being a year older than her, and she had hated it when she was little. She had hated being thought of by him as littler and younger, because she had wanted to be his equal. But as she'd begun to miss him after he left, she had started to miss the nickname and the voice that called her by it.

And now that she saw him, all the memories and love that her heart held for him poured forth again, and she couldn't help but to hug him again.

He laughed this time, louder. "I'm wondering if you keep hugging me to make sure I'm real."

_Oh Jem, you've always been like a dream to me. An angel in a dream. _

And he had been. He had been her angel, attacked by demons and left scarred and broken. But he was her angel nonetheless, and in her moments of insecurity and fear, she thought of him and she would be all right.

"Have my parents been treating you all right?" she asked suddenly, and Jem's eyes widened fractionally at her sharp tone.

"Yes, of course," he said. "They've been wonderful to me."

She leaned back in surprise. A surprise, but a good one.

"Why do you ask? Why wouldn't they be?" Jem asked, confused. "Have you blackened my name in the last five years?" he asked jokingly.

"Well," she said distractedly, mind still working to figure out why, "they've always been afraid that we might run off and get married."

Jem's open shock was enough to bring her full attention back to him.

"What?" she said defensively. _What, you've never considered it? _A small, unexpected pang of rejection shot through her heart. Her mind jumped back to the heart charm, and she instinctively touched the one at her throat. Was it … only friendship to him, all this time?

"Lin, I …"

For once, Jem seemed to be at a loss for words. And that monster called Insecurity clawed at her heart.

She had thought he loved her. Because she had loved him, and he had never pushed her away or acted unkind. She'd loved him from the start, when he came to the Institute as a dirt-covered little boy and she had never seen such a dirty person before. She had loved him already when they trained together, with her brother, and he was careful not to hurt her as they sparred. She'd loved him as she sat by his side after Yanluo had killed his parents and nearly killed him, and her parents in turn had killed the demon. She'd loved him, even after he left and she knew that he didn't have long to live, because she thought that he loved her and was only afraid to show it.

But now she realized she had been wrong.

"Maybe I should go," she said, surprised at how steady her own voice sounded even though turmoil boiled inside her. She stood abruptly and made for the door.

"Lin," Jem said, standing too. "Wait."

She stopped, with one hand on the doorknob.

"I need to tell you something."

What could it be now, after he'd broken her heart, snapped the brittle organ in two?

"Lin, I'm engaged. To … to Tessa."

And her world fell apart as she fled from him.

::[Present]::

She watches the girl. Watches Jem's casual touches, on her shoulder, on her hand, on her face. Watches as she gives him a smile but sneaks peeks at the brooding, messed-up beauty that was William Herondale. Watches as Jem would tuck a strand of brown, _guilao_ hair behind her ear, and how the girl would flinch ever-so-slightly away from him. Watches as the girl's gaze would meet William's, how she would blush, and how William would scowl and turn away.

Her parents must have known that Jem had no interest in Lin. And that was why her love for him was no longer a concern.

Jem doesn't see it. He doesn't see that his parabatai and the girl with whom he has entrusted his heart are lusting for one another behind his back. He doesn't see that Lin is the one who truly loves him.

The girl doesn't love him. It is obvious. She doesn't love him the way he loves her.

And Lin has to tell him.

"She doesn't love you, Jem," she says, tone steady but with a trace of repressed emotion. "She loves Will. You're nothing more than a friend to her."

She's practicing what she will say in front of a mirror.

She knows the lines by heart now.

And she speaks them to the vast, vast ocean as they sail away from the docks a month later, sailing back to Shanghai.

_But I love you. I always have. _

She holds the little heart charm in her clenched fist, the chain dangling, and prepares to toss it into the ocean.

But she can't.

She leaves only her tears and her regrets and every bit of her love in that ocean.

*_guilao_ – a derogatory term in Mandarin referring to Caucasians. Literal meaning: "ghost man", in reference to the white colour of skin.

*_qipao_ – a traditional Chinese dress.

Hi guys! 

I'm so happy to have finally written this oneshot. It's a story that I've wanted to write for a long time, but I wasn't sure if I wanted a oneshot or a long story. I decided on the oneshot, because I knew Lin wasn't going to get the guy. No point in drawing out her pain. But the other stuff about Tessa not loving Jem … that's all my opinion. I was really upset when I read that Tessa decided to accept Jem's proposal, because she doesn't deserve him A beautiful, gentle, violin-playing boy who's gone through so much … as you can probably tell, Jem is my favourite character in the Infernal Devices. I _was_ a bit disappointed with the cover though … Jem doesn't look Chinese enough. First time I saw it, I was like, "What. That looks like Beethoven." Who, by the way, is my favourite Classical-era composer, but whose looks I'm not particularly attracted to…

I must admit that I've exercised a bit of freedom while writing this oneshot. First of all, I should clarify my confusion about Jem's past. The Wiki page says that he was born and raised in the Shanghai Institute, but I remember reading that the demon killed his parents and tortured him in his house. So I'm leaving a bit of open space here; in the story you can assume that Jem was merely raised in the Shanghai Institute but was born somewhere else. In this story, I'd say he came to the Shanghai Institute at the age of … 5-6, maybe? 

I wanted Jem to play the Butterfly Lovers violin concerto for Lin, but I looked it up and found that it was composed in the mid-1900s. Soo … not really possible, but just listen to that if you want to know what sort of music he was playing for her. I don't go into this, but Lin plays piano, and she improvised "that melody" on the piano, and it's stuck with Jem for all these years. 

Please please please, review this! I had a lot of … I'm not sure if you'd call it "fun" while writing this, but I certainly enjoyed the process. 

I love to hear feedback, and you know you can do that through reviews! :)


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